Bash
by stealacandy
Summary: Bashing Harry Potter characters I don't like. Chapter 1: the Bash song. Chapter 2 and onwards: Bash!
1. The Bash Song

**Bash!** Bash! Stomp, kick!

Bash, slap, bop, you dick!!

**Original Summary: **(moved here, due to new chapters)**: **

Some good Dumbledore bashing is long due,

I want to boot some head too,

I'm not responsible for most things I do,

So I'll bash his head and smear his brains into goo,

Then flush it all down the loo.

(Sorry bout that, that was in very bad taste. Buy it now, Bettie Boop's Beans for All Occasions! Or somethig like that.)

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**Disclaimer**: I don't own the Queen's English, but I can do just about anything I want with it, even make money of it, and no lawyers to make a fuss about it! Wow!

**A/N**: Yesterday I read a Harry Potter fic where Tonks checks Harry for mind control magic - and doesn't find a thing. I was half expecting to read about her finding him under half a dozen compulsion charms, trackers, power blocks, memory alterations, mind control potions, what not. Okay, that slightly bit more then half a dozen, but the more the better, right? He gets rid of them and gets one over Dumbledore. But nothing like that happened. In the following chapter, Dumbledore chocks on a lemon-drop - and doesn't die! That's so unfair! All I asked for is some good, old-fashioned, blood-thirsty Dumbledore Bashing! Was I asking too much?

Today, I read an update on some story or another, a post HBP of all things, which is already a bad thing - how much Dumbledore bashing can you do? After all, the man's dead and buried, it served little purpose to bash him much. So we have to be satisfied with Weazley bashing instead. Well, in the last two chapters Ron was being a prick, and I was holding my fingers crossed in anticipation of the upcoming bashing, and then, in the latest chapter, all of a sodden he makes an about turn, and starts behaving better - all rationally and accepting reality, instead of insanely jealous and borderline treacherous. So no Ron Bashing for me.

I was so upset, I wrote this song. This is for all you fanfic writers out there - write us more bashing!

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

**The Bash Song**

By **stealacandy**

Bash, dash, crush and smash,

Trash, lash, and demolish;

Hack, crack, pounce and whack,

Deck, smack, trounce and wreck.

I

Wham, bam, slam, goddamn!

Ram, flam, and thrice condemn.

Defame, insult, ruin and flame,

Bite, skite, denounce, and blame.

I

Whang, bang, fell and dust,

Cuss, bust, screw and thrust;

One-two, shoe, charge and blast,

Jab and stab, drab and percuss.

I

Club, drub, rape and smear,

Push, pull, crack and tear;

Soak, stroke, poke and nag,

rut, cut, butt and drag, .

I

Break, wreck, smack and spank,

Ball, maul, blackjack and thwack.

Scallop and lollop, thrash and thresh,

Bob, lob, rush and clash.

I

Meatball, torpedo, shellac and buffet,

Belt them and pelt them, harm and pellet;

Pan them, can them, hook and cook,

Toast, roast, bring in the Nukes.

I

Reprimand, underhand and reprehend

And hit them straight with a boot to the head.

Flax, hex, wax and pinch,

Bruise and abuse them till they splinch.

I

Rough them up till they bleed teeth,

Wipe em, swipe em, boff and biff.

Bat, swat, cripple, and bone,

Brutalize, violate, shoot'em and stone.

I

Flatten, level, blitz and singe,

Raid, hunt, assail and binge,

Backbite, blister, disparage,

Scold, reprove and burst in rage.

I

Punish, vanquish, finish them off.

Mutilate, decapitate, don't go soft;

Jar, smear, scare off their bits,

Lay in them, subdue them into losing their wits.

I

Hassle and tassel, it's no big deal?

Drill them and pill them and go for the kill!

Clout, rout and skin them clean,

Trim them and pin them and chalk them in a bin.

I

Bob them and probe them until they're all cut,

Box them and give them a kick in the butt;

Bat them end nudge them, box and swat,

Cream them and carp them, give them a pat.

I

Rank in them, dank, spank, and clip,

Lean on, bludgeon, bring out the whip!

Pound, hound, wound and rip;

They planted the seeds and now they reap.

I

Ride and collide, chide and lace,

Storm and blindside, strike and chase.

Plunk and skunk and bing and zing,

Raise your arm and take a swing,

I

Plunge and bung in open assault -

Give them a dent, it's all _their_ fault;

Score and floor, burn and scorch;

Boom, cosh, bring them down a notch.

I

Whale and flail and nail them down,

Spank, skunk, and toss them around;

Paw them and maw them into the ground,

Blow them and claw them and make it count.

I

Go at them, nitpick, pow and lick,

Throw, pick, mow and kick.

Cane them, brain them, make them hurt;

Shake, break, stake and jolt!

I

Clod, prod and roughshod,

Mug them, slug them and send them to god.

Hog them and flog them and slog them good,

Plug them and clog them, don't be a prude .

I

Bop, pop, beat and pit,

Stomp, whomp, hit and spit;

Scathe, dig, take a swig,

Hump, bump, stump and rig.

I

Mangle, strangle and entangle,

Pummel, pommel, cudgel and trample;

Take'em down, destroy, bulldoze,

Dispose of them, bean and hose.

I

Knock them out, deliver a stroke,

Molest them, castrate them, shock and sock.

Mess them up, dress them down;

Press and oppress them and dress them as clowns.

I

Wallop and whop, muscle and chop,

Pop and larrup, dispel and stomp.

Jump and thum, clump down and dump,

Roll over them, thump and swamp.

I

Castigate, flagellate, chaste and lambaste,

Fustigate, fulminate, paste and baste;

Excoriate, reprobate, zap and clap,

Rap, tap, snap and slap.

I

Hammer them, shatter them, batter them down

Clobber and thunder, bashing all around!

Bash your characters, bash them good,

Bash them with vengeance, don't be a prude.

I

Bash, bash, crush and smash,

Lash, dash and some more bash;

Bash and hack, pounce and whack,

Deck, smack, trounce and wreck.

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**A/N:** Aren't thesauruses a wonderful thing? I was stuck after three and a half verses, so I used a thesaurus instead. Great help, it was. I just had to come up with rhyming all the words I got in a way that made sense. To tell the truth, I wasn't even acquainted with some of them. A pity, though - I once had a great thesaurus, with a companion rhyming book - the words were already arranged in rhymes and all you had to do was pick out those you needed for your song. I lost them somewhere along the way, and while there are several thesauruses on-line, I have yet to find an on-line rhyming book or engine. So if anyone who reads this knows one, please let me know.


	2. A short Malfoy bash

**A short Malfoy bash**

By **stealacandy**

**A/N:** I wrote a couple of short bashes and didn't have anywhere to put them, so they ended up here. They are un-beta-ed, so if anyone catches any spelling/grammer/whatever mistakes, please let me know. Also, if anyone wishes to use them in his story or something, please feel free to do so, but do let me know, I'd love to read the end results.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characterrs from the Harry Potter novels, but it never stopped anyone from bashing any and all of them. They actually all belong to J. K. rowling, and the downside of it is that I don't get paid for writing, The upside, however, is that I get to bash Rowling too!

**Cheers!**

**

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**

**A short Malfoy bash**

By **stealacandy**

"Why, Mr. Dumbledore, you are claiming my son is a fool?" drawled Mr. Malfoy.

"Why, Lucius, Indeed! I have been your son's schoolmaster these past six years, and I can now tel you for certain he is one."

"How dare you!" cried Malfoy. "My son!-"

Dumbledore cut him in mid rant. "I was you schoolmaster for seven years too, Lucius," he said. "You were a fool as well." He sighed. "Maybe it's hereditary. I remember Abraxas, he was a fool too. His father, however... well, his father was a different story. He was a very clever man, intelligent enough to mary a richly endowed, but sadly, rather foolish young woman. Unfortunately, it seems her descendents inhgerited her intelect along with her fortuner."

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**A/N:** I haven't decided if Malfoy the 1st was an immigrant French half-blood on the run from the law, or weather he was, indeed, a pure-blood, who had impressed a muggle-born heiress and swept her off her feet. So I didn't write that part. But if you have some ideas about that, please let me know.


	3. Vernon's furry little problem

**Vernon's Furry Little Problem**

**Another short drabble **by **stealacandy**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own nothin! Nothin, I tell ya'! I'm a poor, poor wee lad who lives on a budget, and yet have to pay JKR to read the trash she's taken to spewing lately. And now I even have to pay to use the HP Lexicon Encyclopedia, says the court. Or at least, I won't get to use it, I'll have to wait untill JKR compiles her own Harry Potter Encyclopedia and then pay highly overcharged rates for the pleasure of using it. Pitch!! (only with a "B".)

**A/N:** Still un-Beta-ed.

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**Vernon's Furry Little Problem**

"So let me sum it up," said Harry hotly, "you neglected and abused me. Belittled me, humiliiated me, insulted me, starved me, beat me, villified me, dehumanuzed me to everyone, and made me your pesronal slave, while all the while earning a small furtune for my upkeep, while working a well sinecure in a company I own, and al that time yoe were calling me a "free-loader", while you were, in fact, living, rent-free I must add, in a house that, it turns up, belongs to me. Tell me, uncle, did you escape from a Charles Dickens novel? OR do you maybe have an aunt that makes coats out of little puppies or something?" Harry finished, his anger resonanting in Vernon Dursley's puke-coloured face.

Petunis gasped, and cried.

"Oh, Vernon, the freak knows about Cruella! What if the neighbors find out?"

Just something that crossed my mind.

-mo


	4. The Albus and Gelert Love Song

**Bash!**

**The (Pen)ultimate Albus/Gelert Love Song**

By** stealacandy**

**A/N:** yes, still un-Beta-ed.

Song is based on an old death song from the 60's, called "Tell Laura I Love Her" about a kid that wanted to get married but didn't have money for a wedding ring, so he signed on a car race and died when his car overturned.

**Disclaimer:** I own the lyrics. However, it's not something to be proud of, so I'll disclaim them anyway. go on, publish them without my consent, I give it to you now. If that makes any sense to you at all.

- Dellirium. Err, mo, I meant.

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**The Albus ang gelert Love Song:**

Albus and Gelert were lovers

He wanted to give him everything

Rule the world, subjugate the muggles,

and most of all, a wedding ring (**A/N:** probably with the Deathly Hallow set in it... but it doesn't rhyme.)

(He thought:)

"Well, Gelert, I love you;

"Well, Gelert, I need you;

"Well, Gelert, don't you cry,

"My love for you never die!"

I

They planned to take a world-round tour;

Forbidden knowledge was the lure:

Gathering followers the world around,

And change the future - the plan was sound!

(Pum pum pum pum)

But then his little brother came;

They had some words about his aims:

"You've got to stop, it's not a game"

And Albus would never be the same.

(Pum pum pum pum)

Gelert challenged Aberforth to a duel -

He's always been a hot-headed fool -

He started hexing left and right,

While poor Ariana was cowering in fright.

(Pum)

No one knows what happened that day:

How the three got carried away;

And in the end, foul magic struck

And Ariana ran out of luck:

(Tum tum tum tum)

Dumbledore was quite upset;

How'd it happen he couldn't get

Laying blame he always kept

Revenge on his Gelert, to seek he set:

(Pum pum pum pum:)

"Tell Gelert I hate him,

"Tell Gelert I'll get him,

"Tell Gelert he just wait

"My thirst for revenge, I'll satiate!

I

He caught up with him back in 45;

He cursed him good, but kept him alive,

He locked him deep, and threw the key

And ever since he's been singing out of key:

(Pum pum pum pum)

"Tell Gelert I love him,

"Tell Gelert I miss him,

"Tell Gelert he cannot die

"My love for him will never lie."

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**A/N: **And there you have it. I would have posted a link to the song on YouTube, but fanfiction. net does not allow for links to be posted, so just look it up in the search engin.


	5. What's in a Name?

**Bash!**

**What's in a Name?**

**An Albus Severus drabble**

by **stealacandy**

**Disclaimer:** I didn't wrte Harry Potter, If I had, that abomination JK calls the epilogue wouldn't have seen the day of light.

**A/N:** Stiil un-Beta-ed. Which is not a surprise, I only posted the other chapters in the last hour or so... not much time for volunteers. But I do hope someone will turn up., (And that's a hint, if you didn't get it.)

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**What's in a Name?**

**An Albus Severus drabble**

by **stealacandy**

"So... let me understand this. Your parents were murdered because Snape suggested it. Then you were sent to your aunt and uncle, who were mightily afraid of, and disgusted by, magic, because over the years, Snape mannage to scare them off it, and so they abused you for years on. Then you came to Hogwarts, and Snpae finally got the chance to abuse you himself, and took every oportunity he had to do so, just like he's taken every oportunity to hurt your father when he was your age, and delighted in it. And just when he finally had no authority over you anymore, he sacrificed his life in order to save that of a boy who had made it his goal in life to be a thorn in your side, thus prolonging your suffering. And then you NAMED ME AFTER HIM? ARE YOU DAFT? HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID!!"

"Well..." Harry was lost for words. "It's not like that. Snape sacrificed alot, he was very brave, you-"

"BRAVE! YES! HE WENT AROUND KILLING DEFENCELESS PEOPLE SO HE COULD KEEP IN GOOD GRACE WITH THE MAN WHO KILLED YOUR PARENTS SO HE COULD GO ON AND KILL MORE DEFENCELESS PEOPLE! Yes, he was very brave."

"But Dumbledore said-" Harry stammered, only to be cut off again.

"OH, AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THAT BASTARD! HE KNEW SNAPE TOLD THE PROPHECY TO VOLDEMORT AND DIDN'T DO ANYHING ABOUT IT. HE EVEN GAVE THE MAN A JOB WHERE HE COULD TURN A WHOLE GENERATION OF MAGICAL CHILDREN INTO THE FRIGHTENED SACRIFICIAL LAMBS THEY HAVE BECOME. HE NEVER LIFTED A FINGER TO PROTECT THE STUDENTS FROM THE MONSTER HE'S INVITED IN! AND WHAT HE DID TO YOU! HE SENT YOU TO A PLACE WHERE YOU KNEW NOTHING BUT PAIN AND MISERY, KEPT YOU IN THAT PLACE, AND THEN WENT ON TO REPEATEDLY SEND YOU THER EBACK AGAIN AND AGAIN. HE SET YOU UP TO DIE, WILLINGLY, HAPPILY, FOR THOSE WHO DESERVE NOTHING BUT YOUR SCORN. AND HE DID ALL THAT WHILE KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AND TELLING YOU HE CAME TO LOVE YOU LIKE A PARENT! AND STILL, DECADES LATER, YOU DEFEND AND JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS. AND YOU NAMED ME AFTER HIM! Oh, father, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Bloddy hell..."

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**Reviews:**

noylj wrote: "Albus Severus is being far to kind and gentle with his father. Don't forget Snape's plan to have Moldie kill james and Harry and give Lily to Snape as his love slave, all because Snape loved Lily so much (per Bumbles and Snape)."

Reply: I think I did mention that Snape was the cause of James's death and that it had to do with his infatuation with Lily, didn't I?

Oh, right, I didn't mention his infatuation with Lily. Still, Albus Severus is still young, he probably doesn't know about the bees and the.. erm, bunnies, was it?

What I'm surprised no one commented on is that it's likely Snape, who was Lily's friend, who turned Petunia off magic more than anyone else, which is not surprisingly given his sunshine character... so he's probably to blame for Harry's abuse as well. I never saw anyone coment on that.

jhautefaye wrote: "This is exactly my thoughts whenever I think about Harry and Mary-Sue(er, Ginny) naming their child Albus Severus. By the gods(whatever pantheon) can they be more brainwashed? Sheesh, that book sucked!"

Reply: Can't comment on that, I never read it! But I'm told Harry had a discussion with his kid explaining he named him after, and I'm quoting, the bravest man he ever met.

And doing so while reffering to that cowardly snarkly snivelling snake-tongued Snape. Go figure.

I don't know what Albus Severus replied to that, but I once read a story in which he went on to become a dark lord because of that converstaion...


	6. Albert 5 & three quarters

**Albert Five and Three Quarters**

by **stealacandy**

**Disclaimer: **I haven't sent JKR to space, so don't blame me if she;s out of it, it comes naturally to her. Or do we have to than the good doctor / husband for her natural tranquile state of mind? I sure don't know what I'm implying here, though.

**A/N:** Not really a bash, by all rights this should have gon to the Plot Bunies story, but I have a dozen and a half documents that should also go there, and they are in a certain order, and I'm too lazy to upload them. Not to mention there are another dozen or so documents that should have gone in there before them, only they got lost... Still, I'm poking fun at a some Harry Potter characters, so the shoe still fits.

P.S.: Still un-Beta-ed. Only I couldn't resist.

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**Albert Five and Three Quarters**

by **stealacandy**

"Gentelman, Today, the 11th of June, 1998, we are marking fifty years of space the space program, since the monkey Albert Bernstein has been launched into orbit. Alas, Albert came short, topping at thirty nine miles. Also, poor Albert has never returned, suffocating to death during his daring atttempt to reach the stars.

"Albert has been an inspiration to us all.

"A year from three days ahead, we will be celebrating the jubelee of the second V2 mission, in which Albert II became the first monkey in space - and live long enough to return to the Earth.

"Alas, the V2 being designed as a weapon with the purpose of hitting it's target, Albert II too died upon impact.

"Nevertheless, to celebrate this day, we attempted to recreate the first monkeyed-missions to pace, and with tender care, we lovingly built ourself a brand new V2 missile flying NASA's colours. We will launch it to space with a monkey, Albert V, inside, and watch as it breaches the Karman line and goes on out of the atmosphere!

"Of course, civillization having somewhat advanced since the 1940's, we wouldn't sent a live monkey to his death, thus we built a very, very expensive robot to perfectly mimic and simulate an adult rhesus monkey, which we then volunteered to lead this mission.

"Commence to count down...

"Ten,

"Nine,

"Eight...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Earlier...

"Oh, hey there, Harry," said Arthur. "What do oyu have there?"

"Oh, that," said Harry, "that's a preasent for you, Mr. Weasley!"

"What is it... a monkey?" Arthur was embarresed. Why would Harry give him a monkey as a gift? He didn't think Molly would put with it either. Then again, she did out up with a rat having the run of her house, so maybe... it wouldn't do to offend Harry by refusing his gift.

Stoll, his confusion must have showed, because Harry hastened to explain.

"It isn't just any monkey, Mr. Weasley," Harry said. "It's a robot!"

"Oh, that's nice," said Arthur, not havind any idea what it meant.

"You see," Harry continued. "This is not a live animal, it is a machine. Built by muggles. What it does is pretend it is a monkey and act like it. So... I know you like muggle things, so I thought you might enjoy it. It's yours!"

Arthur smiled like his birthday came early. "Oh, Harry... you shouldn't have!"

"Think nothing of it, Mr. Weasley," said Harry.

Soon after, Mr Weasley was happily dismenteling a multy-million dollars robot of a monkey, which he was never able to fix again - he wasn't sure where all the little parts fit together. Well, where any of the little parts fit at all, to tell the truth. But it had a nice battery in it, so Arthur didn't complain.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Five,

"Four...

Inside the recreatred V2 missile, a rat scurried around, as much as being strapped to its place aloud it.

It had several problems to contend with.

For one, why did its body become that of a rhesus monkey?

For another, why did it have the words "Albert V 3/4" scribed on its fur?

Also, why did the world shake so violently?

And where could he find some cheese?

A moment later, it's troubles mostly forgotten, as the compulsion set down.

It squeaked: "Voldemrt Voldemort Voldemort." Not sure what to do next, it went back to worrying about the fact it felt like it was moving very fast and still accelerating rapidly. And that the floor became a wall.

But soon after, it didn't matter anymore, as Crabb and Goyle went on to become the fisrt apes to go to space in the British Space Program.

-mo


	7. Face Off

**Face-Off**

A **Bash! **drabble

By** stealacandy**

**Disclaimer:** I didn't write Harry Potter. It sort of writes himself, I'm just the medium. I'm chaneling the great and horrible J. K. - Wait, does that mean she's dead?  
No? Pity, that.

No, I'm just kidding. I wish miss Rowling well and many more years of squeasing her Harry Potter money machine tight.

**A/N:** Takes place in Dumbledore's office or someplce similar, at the end of a confrontation where Harry speaks his mind to Dumbledore.

I originally wrote it as an omake for another story, but I can't, for the life of me, remember which one it was. Still, I saved it on my hard-drive, and luckily, I had a back up stored here, so I'm posting it now.

* * *

**Face-Off**

By** stealacandy**

"Oh, Headmaster," said Harry. "One more thing."

"Oh?" Dumbledore tilted his head, looking at him.

"One of these days, I'll have to set the records straight on what happened on Halloween, back in 81. Give an interview or something like that. Then Lord have mercy on Snape's sole, because there'll be no one alive who would."

"Harry, what do you mean? I-"

"I will tell them how Lord Voldemort wanted to sacrifice a child for a ritual on the Eve of All Hallow, and who convinced him I am a giid candidate - or better, at least, from the Longbottom child. Not sure what Longbottom had to do with anything, but that's how Voldemort told it.

"I will tell them how his spell backfired on him when he tried to kill me after killing my mother, as the ritual called for one sacrifice, one killing, and one only.

"I will tell them the reason the Dark Lord was vanquished was that he killed my mother, who stood in his way to me, when he had not planned to kill her before that. Note, he killed my father without a second thought, but he hesitated to kill my mother, untill she irritated him with her refusal to step away."

Fillius Flitwick gasped at that, seeing where it was going, while Minerva McGonagal was in tears. Harry continued relentlessly.

"I will tell them why the Dark Lord hesitated. I will tell them the reason Lord Voldemort was defeated was that he promissed my mother, the so called 'Mudblood', as a trophy to the man who chose me for the sacrifice, after killing my father and leaving her affections free.

"In short, I would tell them that man is Severus Snape. And that day, there won't be a wizard - or witch - in all of Britain, light or dark, Death Eater or St. Mungos himself returned to life, who would not stand in line for the chance to hex him. And not Merlin himself could save him then, if he had Morgana to help him.

"That day, Headmaster, is inevitable. The only question is, do I give him a fair warning ahead of time, so he could make to run to Nicaragua or Mozambique.

"Think about it, professor." Harry concluded. "For now, I am leaving this office. Goodbye."

And he turned and left.

(Possibly after having ducked a sneak attack at his back from the Potions professor.)

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**A/N:** This can go in any Dumbledore/Harry face-off in the Headmaster's office at Hogwarts in an early year situation, with a time-traveling Harry, or a Harry raised by someone other than the Dursleys, or Harry with some early memmories lingering and a good dose of cunning.

In one step he holds Snape by the balls, and Dumbledore with him.

Only downside is Snape might try to "get rid of the evidence" and kill Harry, oblivate him, or put him in a Longbottom like state before he can run his mouth off, so Harry should take care when he says so much.

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**Reviews:**

noyli wrote: The important thing is not to mouth-off to bumbles, who never listens, but rather to send the story to every publication in the wizarding world of Europe.

Reply: But don't you know, the best weapon is the one you don't use? Harry can get better results from threatening than from carrying out the threat. If he wends it to the papers, what does he get? Nothing. If, on the other hand, he holds the threat against Dumbledore and Snape, like the sword of Democeles, he can blackmail them and get something he wants.

That is, of course, provided he can prevent them from simply oblivating him or doing him in or something.


	8. A Question of Identity

**Bash: **

**A Question of Identity **

By** stealacandy**

**Disclaimer:** Weather I am or am not JKR can be determined by any number of simple questions, per the Ministry of Magic's instructions. Am I blonde? Am I female? Do I live in Edinburgh? Do I own the intellectual rights to Harry Potter? Do I have an inflated ego to match my inflated bank account? Have I ever┘ well, I suppose you get it by now. No, I'm not JKR, I'm this poor dude writing fan fiction because he likes it, and has an exam tomorrow and just had to get it out of his system before it would drive him nuts.

So there.

**A/N:** Anyone wanting to complain about grammar and spelling mistakes in this short dribble, throw another one, they were written on purpose!

Unlike the previous chapters in this collection, this one actually bashes fanfiction authors who don't think things through. I figured, if I can bash JKR, I can certaily bash her copycats. But I'm sure now a lot of people would flame me for that, I can hardly open my mouth these days without enraging some thoughtless people. Fortunately, though, most of them are blocking me, so they needn't be bothered.

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**A Question of Identity **

By** stealacandy**

"Well, Arry, ze Ministy zais ve should ask and answer questions from vu un moi so that ve know ve are really ve. So, I can tell vu┘ vhen vu vere chozen by ze Goblet of ze Fire, moi said to vu vu is a little child! Ze Deaf Easers von't know zat, vould zey?"

"Yeah, sure," said Harry. "Try the other one, it has bells on!"

"Eh? Vat?" asked Fleur, confused. "Belle? Vat?"

"Fleur only said that in front of Snape, Karkaroff and Junior Crouch, all Death Eaters. And Crouch Senior, who was under the Imperius curse of Pettigrew, a fourth Death Eater. And Ludo Bagman, on whose innocent or guilt I'm not quite clear, but I do know he's rather talkative, and certainly not trustworthy. So why don't you try again, FLEUR'?" Harry smirked at the woman.

"Um.. vell, ven vu zafed mon zister Gabbie, moi kissed you afzerwordz!" said Fleur victoriously.

"Yeah, right," said Harry. "In front of the entire school, guests and visitors, and who knows how many of them answer or report to Voldemort."

"Oh, vell┘ vu really zink any Deaf Easer would zpeak like zat?" asked Fleur, grasping at straws. "Zey are English, afzer all, zey have proper English azzentz." Fleur finished half-heartedly. She was beginning ot get desperate now.

"Yes, and Igor Karkaroff is a proper English gentleman too, right?" said Harry, contemptuously. "And Crabb and Goyle mastered speech at the early age of one-hundred and three. And you heard nothing unless you had to listen to Pansy Parkinson's attempts to French-talk Malfoy┘"

Fleur was really desperate by now. How could she make him believe her? How could she make him see? Err┘ zee? She went for direct. "Look, Arry, moi juzt vanted to tell vu┘ j'aime┘ je t'aime┘ moi love vu!" She said with a gleam in her eyes.

"Yeah, I'm really going to fall for that one," said Harry, and pointed his wand in Fleur's look-alike direction. "Reducto!" he cried, and a mass of light went out and rammed into Fleur chest and abdomen at point blank, crushing it. Which was a great shame, because it was such a great chest┘ and abdomen. And everything else that was connected to it.

* * *

**A/N:** The unforgivable curse, is it the Imperius curse, or the Imperious?

Anyway, I saw too many fics where people ask such questions that the Death Eaters could easily find out the answers for if they bothered to do even a little homework. Like What is Remus's nickname. Or where did he use to go to during the nights with full moon during his time as a student at Hogwarts. Really! Say what you can about JKR, but at least the question used at canon, that Molly-wobbles' abomination, was a private affair between the person asking the question and the person answering it - at least until Arthur answered it in front of Harry and Dumbledore - and in front of the narrator and the mortified readers.


	9. Bah bah Black Sheep

**Yet Another Bash Spew:**

**Do Dementors Dream About Black Sheep?  
**By** stealacandy**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Napoleon, although I wouldn't mind to own a portion of the gold he's stolen. I don't own JKR either, but if she's looking to marry of her daugter, I'm your man. (I hope her daughter isn't too ugly, though.)

**A/N:** The idea is someone taking matters into his own hands, striking back at the Death Eaters. Now they are trying to figure out who it is.

* * *

**Yet Another Bash Spew:**

**Do Dementors Dream About Black Sheep?  
**By** stealacandy**

"One reason is, whoever did kill the Death Eaters in the two attacks was far more skilled than Potter could ever be. We have his school records and Severus's reports. Beyond that, we also have our own first-hand accounts of the boy in action. The only reason he has survive as long as he has is that he has an obscene amount of luck."

"Luck is the most important thing for a soldier", muttered Voldemort.

"I beg your pardon, my Lord?" said Mal;goy. He didn't quite catch that.

"Luck is the most important thig for a soldier," Voldemort said again. "Napoleon said that."

"Napoleon, My Lord?" asked a bewildered Lucius Malfoy.

"French Dark Lord, Lucius, tried to take over the world some two hundred years ago. Came very close to succeed, too, only he left his leutenents to fight the English while he went off to fight the Russians. The cold killed his men in the east, the English in the west, and so he got stuck in the middle. Really, Lucius, don't you know your history?"

"My history, my Lord?" Malfoy was quickly becoming confused.

"Yes, your history, Lucius. I assume Malfoy is a French name, isn't it?"

"Oh, no, my Lord," Malfoy hastily replied. "My family severed all contacts with those Barbarians!"

"Crucio!" said Voldemort. Normally that would be a meaningless bable, but him being a dark wizard and everything, and with a wand in his hand pointed at Malfoy, Lucius soon found himself in a word of pain.

"Crucio! Crucio! Crucio!"

When it was over, Malfoy asked Rabastan Lestrange why he thought the Dark Lord was so touchy about the French. Lestrange didn't know, he thought them foreginers barbaric too. So they volunteered Wormtail to ask their master.

He came back with his (worm)tail between his paws... legs... whatever.

"What kind of a name do you think Voldemort is?" was all he said, before he collapsed at their feet.

* * *

**A/N: **The title really has nothing to do with the contents of the story, but I didn't have any better title, and the one I used is rather catchy, isn't it?

Also, I was thinking of French Kisses and wondering if the they had dementors on the continent too, or is it just on islands away from civilization?

I more or less stole the firs line from some fic. Can't remember which one it was, though, sorry bout that.

-mo


	10. What You'll Miss the Most

**Bash! TriWizard Style**

**What You'll Miss the Most:**

By** stealacandy**

**Disclaimer:** It does not do well to bode on dreams and forget to live. Except if you're a ghost, or you can commit those dreams to paper and sell them for multi-milion . Unfortunately, neither definition fits me, so I'll just use my sleep for its rest value, thank you very much.

**A/N: **Originally I wrote this as an Omake for some dimension traveling Harry.

And it sitll... in-Beta-ed! How'd you guess?

* * *

**What You'll Miss the Most:**

By **stealacandy**

"Hmmm..." he hummed, ad pointed his wand at the general direction of the centre of the lake.

"Accio whatever I'll miss most!" Harry cried, waving her wand in the air.

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then the ghost of Moaning Myrtle came zooming in high speed towards him.

"lo, Myrtle," said Harry. "Long time no see!"

"Oh, hello Harry," replied the ghost with a squeak.

"What's up?" Harry asked next.

"Not much," said the ghost. "They put some students for you to rescue down, though. Shouldn't you be rescuing them right now? The other champions are down there, too, you know."

"No, not really," said Harry. "They said to rescue what I'll miss most, and that is you, Myrtle." he said gently.

"Me?" squeaked the ghost. "Really? But what about the others? What about the boy, Weasley? Shouldn't you rescue him? He'll drown if you don't."

"Oh, well," said Harry. "Then he could join you in haunting the castle's water system, I suppose."

"REALLY?" cried an elated Myrtle.

"Oh, yes, deffinately," Harry agreed.

* * *

**A Little Passing Water:**

When Dumbledore freed Ron from his 'prison', and saved him from drowning, Myrtle was quite upset.She was looking forward to hopefully spend eternity haunting the ancient sewer system of Hogwarts castle with the laky boy.

For days after, Dumbledore couldn't understand, for the life of him, where did all the water flooding his office came from. And the smell! He couldn't use his bathroom either, it malfunctioned. He found a stone pot and used it instead.

Hey, is that a pensieve?


	11. Wings

**Wings **

By** stealacandy**

**A/N:** Not really a proper bash, unless it's bashing the advertisement buisness, that is.

**Disclaimer:** I own a lot of alcoholic bevereges. Too many, some might say, although their quantity tends to diminish rather rapidly at times. I don't, however, own any energy drinks, as of tonight, and I certainly don't own any world famouse slogans. Or world famouse novels such as Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azerbaijan, for instance. (I actually read a piece in some American newspaper about the new book, "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Afganistan". I figured Azerbaijan made more sense, though. Or "Harry Windsor and the Prisoner of Afganistan", for that matter. Or Montbatton, or whatever he calls himself these days.)

* * *

**Wings **

By** stealacandy**

Harry could hear his mother scream. "No! Not Harry, Please, not Harry! Take me instead!"

Voldemort was laughing.

Harry reached into his pocket, looking for any spare bit of chocolate he might find there, a half eaten frog, crumbles of Honeydukes' best - anything. But he came up empty.

On the other hand, and the other pocket of his Quiditch robes, he found that can of strange drink left from the after party of their last match. It was slim, tall, white and blue. Not having anything better to do, he opened it, and took a sip.

The horrified spectators of the Quidditch match bar the Slytherins, who were gearing in anything but horrour, wathced as Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived probably not much longer, though, things going as they are, plunged down to his death after falling from his broom at high-altitude and top-velocity following a chase with Snitches and dementors. All of a sudden, out of the blue, and white, the boy hero sprouted wings, and flew away.

"Harry!" yelled Hermione. Then: "Wha- Oh, my!" she exclaimed.

When asked about it later, all she had to say was: "Redbull gives you wings"...

* * *

**A/N: **Takes place in the ill-luck, dementor ridden Quidditch match in the Prisoner of Azkaban, if you haven't figured it out yet.

- mo


	12. The Trouble with Divination

**The Trouble with Divination**

By** stealacandy**

**Disclaimer:** I don't put my money where my mouth is. I let my mouth run free instead. That's because I'm legally prevented from making money with my words, so far as they are about Harry Potter.

**A/N:** This was actually trhe result of the Random Paring Generator, someone posted a long list of paring he got, and a short acomment abou tmost of them. I stived to take it further and actually write a small something for each and every one of them. To my great surprise, I saw my idea through, and actually succedded in writing many small vignetts to fit those guidelines. I thought this one in particular would sit well with the other drabble in this story.

* * *

**The Trouble with Divination**

By** stealacandy**

...Stan saw the pretty young witch and decided - well, she may not be a veela like those French girls he met earlier on his way to the stadium, but she was still quite dishy. "I'm going to be the youngest Minister of Magic ever!" he blurted.

Lavender's eyes grew wide. A fellow seer!

A few hours later, Stan Shunpike finally mannaged to break free from the mad witch. Honestly, she was worse then that old bat who taught the Divination class back in Hogwarts! She had a pretty mouth and everything, but Stan could only wish she would shut it up - if only for a minute.

Better find a new pick-up line, he thought, one that did not involve predicting the future.

A couple of years later, Stan met a pretty young witch. She was even willing to speak to him, that didn't happen too often. Remembering the last time he tried to hit on a girl, he remembered his resolution. Trying to keep up with the times, he blurted: "I am a Death Eater!"

A few hours later, and he didn't mannage to break free. Not at all. That would have been nigh impossible, as he was now incarcerated in Azkaban prison. And it was all a honest mistake!

* * *

**A/N: **Yep, the random generator came up with this: Lavender Brown / Stan Shunpike / an honest mistake. And Luinlothana asked: On whose part?

I had to wonder, too.

-mo


	13. Harry and the Magic Beans

**Bash: Petunia's Garden: Harry**** and the Magic Beans?  
**By** stealacandy**

**A/N:** Yet another one for the Random Generator thingy. This time, it was: Parvati Patil / Petunia Dursley / unbuttoned

**Disclaimer:** I don't own a botle of rum. Seamus Finnigen probably does. But neither of us own Parvati Patil, she's her own woman. Something like that, yeah.

* * *

**Harry and the Magic Beans?  
**By** stealacandy**

"I would like to welcome a new member to our garedening club, Mrs. Finnigen!"

"Please, call me Parvati." smiled the young woman, blushing slightly, although no one noticed, as she was dark skinned.

A few months later:

"Wow, Parvati, none of us has ever had such a beautiful garden, this one comes close to Petunia Dursley's!"

"Who?"

"Oh, an old member of our club, she used to have the finest kept front lane in Surrey, until a few years ago, hasn't kept it much since. Maybe... maybe you could encourage her a little? Give her a nudge in the right direction? It's such a pity, you know. Her garden was magnificent, almost... magical! If you could spare some time to encourage her, motivate her - maybe she would take up the shovel again?"

"Sure, I'll do that." agreed Parvati.

Screams of despair soon could be heard all over Privet Drive...

* * *

Oh, yeah, forgot one thing:

"Please, call me Parvati." smiled the young woman, blushing slightly, although no one noticed, as she was dark skinned, much of which the lass was showing, as she was unbuttoning the top of her blouse in the heat of August.

Yep, that took care of that.


	14. The Amazing Bouncing Dudley

**The Amazing Bouncing Dudley **

By** stealacandy**

**A/N:** Yes, another one for the Random Pairing Generator. This one is: Dudley Dursely / Argus Filch / flying (No comment)

**Disclaimer:** The stunts in this feature were performed by unprofessionals, that's why it's called fanfiction. Still, don't try it at home. And if you do, don't blame me if you're squashy.

* * *

**The Amazing Bouncing Dudley **

By** stealacandy**

"Filthy students, always making mess for me to clean" complained Filch.

"But I'm not a student!" whined Dudley.

"You're not? Why so?"

"I can't do magic, I'm not like you, you, you freak!"

"Oh, you are a squib too? Wait, what did you call me? A freak? So you were making fun of me because I can't do magic? And calling me a freak, whaer do you come with that? Do I look like a freak to you? Just because I'm not a wizard doesn't mean I'm less a human being then you are. That would be two detentions for you - one for making all that mess - which you will be cleaning, mind you, and without magic, too, and another for insulting me. Hmmm... The fourth floor corridor, I could use some help with that. There's a broom closet with cleaning supplies at the end of the corridor, password is 'Mrs. Norris, you are so handsome!' Now go, and don't let me see you before the corridor - walls, floor, I'll let you off the ceiling, before they shine like new, understiood!"

"But-" began Dudley, only to be rudely interupted.

"No buts!" bellowed Filch, "Now you must do the ceiling too. Or would you prefer the rack?"

Dudley, wisely, decided to do the cleaning, rather than taking the torture. 'Besides, how hard can it be, really?' he thought to himself. After all, the freak did it since... forever.

Dudley watched a group of little freaks riding their broomsticks, trying to knock each other with a ball they kept batting at one another. He got an idea. He was bigger, stronger, and faster. He could show those little wannabe freakshow it's done - and knock some freak ass while at it, he didn't get to do that much lately like he used to.

He mounted the broom he was using to wipe the floor, jumped out of the window, and went flying...

From the fourth floor window, in a general direction of the ground, accelerating at 9 point something meters per second.

* * *

**A/N:** Do you think Dudly learned how to fly, children?

Does boouncing count?

-mo


	15. Snape Comes With His Own Cooking Oil

**Severus Snape Comes With His Own Cooking Oil **

By** stealacandy**

**Disclaimer:** Deinately don't try this at home. It'll take forever to clean afterwards... all that grease! Oh, the horrour! Oh, the humanity!

**A/N:** Yes, you guess it right, the Random Pairing Generator hits again: Severus Snape / Remus Lupin / Full Moon.

* * *

**Severus Snape Comes With His Own Cooking Oil **

By** stealacandy**

"Damnable werewolf forgot to take his potion" Severus murmered to himself, as he made his way to the DADA teacher's office.

On his way, however, he was delayed when he encountered a group of Slytherin six years beating a bounch of first year Hufflepufs kids. After dealing with the situation in a most satisfactoryway, which, to him, meant awarding the poor Hufflepuffs 10 detentions and subtracting minus fifty points from his Slitherins for that awful behaviour they'd shown, as well as removing an extra fifty points from Gryffindor on principe alone - and for not intervening to stop the brawl - and yet another 50 for fighting in the corridors, when it was pointed to him one Gryffindor actually did intervene, and ten more for talking abck to a teacher, he finally made it to Lupin's office, and alohamora'ed the door. He'd be damned if he'd show that beast such common curtesy as knocking.

Unfortunately for him, he enjoyed "punishing" his Slytherins so much, he lost track of the time, which is how he now came face to face with a fully transformed werewolf, uncontroled by potions. Last thing he heard was a series of growels that sounded oddly like "Oh, goodie, dinner!"


	16. Princess of Cruelty

**Bash!**

By** stealacandy **

Is proud to play host to:

**Princess of Cruelty **

By** meteoricshipyards**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything in this chapter. Nothing. _Nothing!_

**A/N:** Indigo Cat suggested Cruella De Vill is easierly envisioned as Snape's sister , or first cousin at least.

Tom A. (Meteoricshipyards, one of my favourite writers, check his account here on fanfiction. net!) picked up the challange, and wrote the following story.

-mo

* * *

**Princess of Cruelty **

By **meteoricshipyards**

"Oh, Sevvie! Soooo good to see you. Still haven't fixed that hair problem?"

"You should talk, Cruella. Have you poisoned your husband yet?"

"All in good time, Sev. All in good time."

"Do you have any use for the coat of this mutt?"

"I simply adore wizarding photos. Ewww! That thing? Really, Severus, you arrrre quite droll. But a few more photos from the Quidditch locker room; but no more of your snakes. Really, is it a requirement that they be so...so..."

"Violent?"

"I was thinking ugly."

"As long as they win."

"But the problem with winning the rat race is you're still a rat."

"Very droll, yourself, Cruella. But it keeps the alumni money comingin. Just a couple of years ago Lucius gave the whole team new brooms."

"Lucy? Brooms? Who would have thought. Or are you supplying himwith pictures from the boys locker room, too?"

"Ah, you should talk, Cruella. Do you still order take out when yourhusband is away and throw away the food?"

"Of course I throw that garbage away! You don't expect me to eat thefood?"

"Well, I must be on my way. Hogwarts business, you know."

"Well, it was charming, brother. We must do this again, sometime."

"Definately, sister. Owl me."

"Such a dirty way of communicating. Get a phone, Severus!"

They split, going their separate ways.

Snape smiled as he walked away. He had recognized the poison in thetea, and surreptitiously slipped the antidote in. Ruined the taste,though. Vile woman!

As Cruella drove away in her limousine, she told her driver, "Pick upanother bezor for me, Wolfgang. The little creep tried to poison meagain."

Tom A.


	17. A Change of Heart

**A Change of... Heart**  
By **stealacandy**

**Disclaimer: **I don't know what I thought. Oops, I mean, I don't own Harry Potter.

**A/N: **But I still don't know what I thought.

This story's Pettigrew had a change of heart. Now he has to change some other stuff as well. I'm not sure who exactly am I bashing here, though. Possibly the Marauders, all at least all that foolish hype around them.

**Summary:** Peter has a change of heart. His fellow Marauders find it hard to come to term with his betreyal. (Rating for a scene where Wormtail loses his hand. But hey, it was worse than that in GoF...)

* * *

**A Change of Heart**  
By **stealacandy**

"Sirius!" yelled Peter, "I'm sorry, I confess, I betrayed you, I betrayed James - and Remus - I've been spying on you for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for the pst thirteen months! Please don't kill me, please! And if you must, please make it clean, Okay?"

"Haha, Peter, not funny, not funny at all." was the reply.

"I'm serious, Sirius,-"

"No, you're Peter, I'm Sirius!" interjected Sirius.

"Yes you are, and I am Peter, the Death Eater - here, look at my arm!" Peter rolled up his sleeves to reveal a tatto of a skull with a snake coming out of his mouth. "See this?" he asked. "This is my master's mark, I took it willingly, Sirius, I am so sorrym you must believe me, please don't kill me!"

"Oh, very droll, Wormy, that's no laughing material, rub that thing off before someone sees you and takes it the wrong way." said Sirius. "Really, James," he said, turning to his other friend, "You shouldn't have put him up to that. This is entirely in bad taste. YOu must refine your pranks, Prongsy, in better taste."

"Oi!" cried James, "my pranks taste great!"

"Yes?" inquired Sirius. "And who was it that set the cafeteria desert at the auror academy to flatulance chocolate?"

"Me," confirmed James. "Why?"

"That was very bad taste." said Sirius, victoriousely.

"What are you talking about, Siri, it tasted of chocolate!" arged James.

"Excatly!" yelled Sirius. "Chocolate is poisenous for dogs!"

"Oh, you're right." agreed James.

"So Peter," finished Sirius, "Don't listen to this git, this is a bad prank."

"But it's not a prank!" said Pettigrew. "Here, look - it doesn't come off, it's real!" he said, rubbing his Dark Mark.

"You went and got a tatto of You-Know-Who's Dark Mark?? Asked Sirius, bewildered. "Are you stupid, or just daft?"

"Err... yes?" agreed Wormtail.

"Then I'm afraid it'll have to come off." said Sirius.

Peter nodded. HE got off cheaply. He nodded. "Okay," he said. Trembling, he pulled out his wand in his right hand, and cast a "DIf... Difindo!" on his left. Torn blood vessals soon began to spray blood.

"Oh, Peter," said James. "This is absolutely disgusting. And we already did it in fourth year, Peter. Peter? PETER? WORMY?" But Peter didn't reply, as he has passed out from loss of blood.

* * *

**A/N:** Wrote it back in December, found it now in some forgotten folder in my e-mail account, thought I'd share.

I didn't mean to post this one here, I actually posted it on FicWad first. However, strangest thing happened. Once again, the story failed to shw. no, that's not quite true, it's not like the same time when the story appeared, only without the text, this time the story doesn't appear at all. I mean, I can get to it from my author's profile, but not from the Harry Potter story category. Weird.

So I put it up here instead.

-mo


	18. Little Red Riding Crop

**Bash: Everyone's favourite:**

**Little Red Riding Crop**

By **stealacandy**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Ginny Weasley, nor do I own Grayback Fenir. I don't know who'se more dangerous of the two, and I'm rather a cautious man.

**A/N:** What do you know, no Beta! Yay!

* * *

**Little Red Riding Crop**

By **stealacandy**

"Who's afraid of the big bad wolf, big bad wolf, big bad wolf. Who's afraid of the big bad wolf big bad wolf big bad-"

Ginny Weasley whistled as she was crossing the forest near Ottery St. Catchpole, on her way back from her great aunt Meuriel. Her mother had her heart in the right place, but Aunt Meuriel really knew her buisness. Today she taught her a new spell... Ginny walked through the shreberry, taking special care not to dirty her nice robe, adorned with Gryffindor colours as it was. That's when she encounttered the big bad...

Grayback Fenir.

He groweled at her.

She smiled. That put him off a bit.

"Hello," she said, still smiling brightly. "And who might you be?"

"I'm Grayback Fenir, the terrible Werewolf!" Grayback Fenir wasn't quite sure why he said that. That wasn't usually his line. Usually he simply jumped the kiddies and mauled them. But-

"Why are your teeth so white," he asked.

"Oh, that?" she smiled even more, brightening his day. (And blinding a couple of small birds flying nearby, strait intop a tree.) "I learned that trick from Lockhart." she said, tossing her mesmerizing (or was it flaming? I can't keep it strait in my haed. I'm too flaming mesmerized, you understand.)

Ginny pulled her wand out, and played with it with her delicate hands.

Grayback, still mesmerized, or possibly just seeing spots from the flaming hair reflecting off the bone-white teeth, tried to concentrate. "What are you doing," he asked.

Ginny, still smiling, answered: "Oh, just practcing, you know how it is."

Grayback was taken back. And he just had to ask... "Why is your wand so big?"

"So I can charm you easier," answered Ginny with her winning smile.

"You certainly are a charmer," he said. It also helped that Ginny was, in fact, a charmer.

But Grayback Fenir was a werewolf, and everyone knows werewolves are immune to mind magic. Well, everyone who reads fanfiction. Alas, Ginny was more interested in romantic novels and various cooking instructions, so she missed that one. She did find out, though, when Grayback focused again, trying to remember that he was supposed to kill and eat, or possibly eat and kil, the little girlie. He growled.

Ginny, however, never one to give up easily, smiled at Grayback again. "You have a nasty caugh there, Grayback dear. Why don't you have a nice cup of... a drink?" she asked, taking out a bottle, puring some drink into a great big mug, and offering it to him. It had an alluring smell. although grayback couldn't really pinpoint what it smelled like exactly, he knew he liked it. But-

"Why is your mug so big?" he asked, after he finished drinking. He was aware he was supposed to ravish her, but all of a sudden he wanted to ravish her in a very different way.

"Oh," said Ginny, donning a frawn on her pretty freckled face. "That's a love potion, I planned to give it to Harry, it has to be big, so I could get him quicker - more potion, more effect, you see - but now I had to waste it all on you. Darn it! It took months to brew! What will I do now?" she considered it. "Okay, I have a plan. This is what you'll do - you would do anything for me, won't you? she asked, smiling at him alluringly again. Oh, yes, He'd die for her smile. He nodded, not trusting his mouth. (Well, it did have all those sharpened fangs in it and everything, you know!)

"Allright," Ginny said. "This is what you're to do." And she gave him his instructions. "But right now, erm, could you show me your tongue?"

Graback complied. Giny smiled, and her smile was very different this time.

"That will do," she commented, in a clinical sort of way. "Now come here, dear, and put it to good use."

**To be continued**...

* * *

**A/N: **Yet another idea originating from the Random whatever it's called generator thingy.This one was: Ginny Weasley / Fenrir Greyback / knock on the door (Er, Little Red Riding Hood?) I wrote a short thing about it, barely a few lines, but the idea was sound, so I built on it and ended up with that. Now, who do you think Ginny should set the werewolf on to keep away from 'her' Harry: Hermione or Luna?

-mo


	19. Hogwarts Lost and Found Department

**Another old Bash story:**

**Hogwarts Lost and Found Department**

By** stealacandy**

**A/N:** I was searching my old work for a Snape angst I once wrote, I looked all sorts of words, like "Snape", "James", "child", "abuse", "parents", andso on. Skimed through dosens of messages, if not hundreds, and couldn't find it. On the other hand, I found this one. I remember greatlu expanding omn it on a later date, but I lost the longer story, alas. )Wrote it down with pen and paper, and then misplaced the notes, you know how it is.) Still, this little one can stand on its own legs, at least in a premises like _Bash!_.

**Disclaimer:** If Harry Potter would have mannaged to find his way into a Lost & Found department anywhere, I'm sure they wouldn't have returned him to me, mostly because he doesn't belong to me to begin with, but probably because he's hot, and statistically speaking, the clerck has better chance of being female or gay than being a straight male...

* * *

**Hogwarts Lost and Found Department**

By** stealacandy**

"Anything else you want me to carry to the staff-room, Skimpy?"asked Harry Potter.

"Oh, yes, thank you, master sir." said the house-elf. "Professor Umbi seems to have lost her marbles. Wonder what someone her age and position does playing with these, then again, she does wear all those pink ribbons, you never know... There you go, sir."

Harry reached out and took the marbles in his hands. 'Strange,' he thought. 'Aunt Petunia has marbles just like these...'

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Albus Dumbledor lost his balls. Ron Weazley too."

"What?"

"Yes." said the elf, carrying a big, heavy looking crate. Harry sneaked a look inside. Nine inch canon-balls painted orange and afew Bowling-balls. He should have known. Wait, what're those little wooden ones? He asked the elf.

"Oh, looks like Professor Moody lost his balls too."

"He does have the bad habbit of leaving pieces of himself behind," agreed a passing elf. "leaving it to the elves to cleen up themess..."

* * *


	20. Child Wellfare and Severus's hair

**Bash! drabble: ****Child Wellfare and Severus's hair**

By **stealacandy**

**Author's Note:** Found it, at long last!!

**Original Author's Note: **Just read plot bunny that had a young Snape having his parents declared unfit guardians, and being adopted by the Flamels.

Well, I had a better idea. We all read in canon how the Potters took Sirius Black in. We often read in fanon how they took a hundred and one other poor, pitiful kids as well, including a time/dimenssion traveling Harry Potter himself in many different shapes, forms, names and incarnations.

Well, I decided to put the two together, and the end result was: A young Severus Snape, having his parents found as unfit guardiens and sign custudy over to the ministry of magic's child wellfare office (they actually have one of those? Huh! That must be one of the greatest fanwonks of all times!), is getting new magical guardians, a good family that would take him in:

The Potters! (Mewuhahahahahahahahah! Bahahahah! Hahaha! Muhahahahahah! hehehe!) That last one wasn't me, that was Wormtail.

(shouts of "Nooooooooo!" sound in the background, and a smirking James Potter and Sirus Black peek in for a moment.)

**Disclaimer**: I don't condone child abuse. Therefore, it's impossible to concieve that I ever wrote the Harry Potter novels.

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**Child Wellfare and Severus's hair**

By **stealacandy**

"Alright Severus, this is your new room, James and Sirius spent a lot of time preparing it for you, those nice kids, I'm glad Remus is such a good influence on them."

"Noo! please! don't! Send me away - back to the ministry! Back to my mommy! Back to my dad! Put me in his prison cell! Please, anything but this!"

"Oh, hush, Severus, don't be rediculus. I know James likes to put up a joking face and be overly dramatic at times, but it's not a requirement in this house, you are perfectly welcome even if you do act you age, so you don't have to act. Well, Go get settled in, dear, I'll go see to supper now, We would all see you in half past seven."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That night, a shivering Severus Snape lay in bed. half his hair was gone, the othere half, having flashed repeatedly between neon pink and hospital green, eventually settled on an unrecognized shade of puce that reminded Severus some of his less pleasent potion ingredients. THe first half, however, dodn't exactly disappear, it just... dislocated.

Severus tried to scratch his crotch again, but to no avail, his entire genitalia was covered by layers of thick, geazy hair.

That was bad enough, but if only those blasted Marauders haven't moved his day old facial hair just below his dick...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

'Yep,' thought James, this was shaping up to be a great summer...

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**A/N: **That's all, folks, rude and base, can't believe I wrote this. Hope you'll forgive me...

mo

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**Review replies:**

BlueDiamond77777 wrote: "You DO realize that, even if you dislike the man, bullying in extremes even less then this is highly illegal and in my (and most American courts) opinion deserves jail time. As much as you dislike the man, here he's only a child. an innocent. Not a Death Eater. Though if this is how the 'light' people act it's no wonder he became what he was." -Yoru Hana

Reply:

I do not dislike the man - he's not a man, after all, he's a fictional, fictiteous character.

I was tryping to portray or depict (not sure which word applies here, take your pick) how JKR's characters would behave in this given situation.

My idea was, James Potter, who, at young age, was most likely a spoiled brat, used to having his way, bitching from dusk til dawn, or the other way around, or whatever, bitching about having to take Snape into his home,whining about it, complaining untillhis parents got tired hearng him and sent him to his room, where instead, he whined about it to Sirius, who told him to look at the bright side of things, the full half of the glas and all rhat - now he wouldn't have to sneak into Slytherin's boys dormitory, or the Hogwarts kitchen, laundry, bathrooms and whatnot in order to get Snpe, now, instead, he had Snape just where he wanted him, and, fot an added benefit, all year round, not to mention, during the holidays there are no professors, no deentions, no lost house points, etc.

Exactly the thing to cheer a 15 or 14 years old James Potter up. And exactly the way a 15or 14 years old Sirius Black is likely to think.

After all, we ARE talking about the boy who ambushed Snape and dangled his nousy underwear just because his freind was bored, and the boy who thought sicking a werewolf on a rampage on an unsuspecting Severus Snape was entertaining.

So I tried to stay in character.

Although canon Snape may have reacted with a little less patheticness and a little more sarasm, my Snape here is just a bit overwhelmed after all he's been through, all that ordeal of losing his parents, being a ward of the state, or the magical mininstry, and being taken in by a new family, only to find, to his surprize and to his horror, exactly which family it is.

-mo

To which, BlueDiamond77777 replied: "'So I tried to stay in character.' -Ah, I though you were just paying the cruelty for laughs."

To which I replied: "That, too. It IS Rorsch's group, after all..." (which is where I forst posted this story. -mo)

And BlueDiamond77777 answered: "But rarely are the ones being tormented, no TORTURED, innocent children. The whole point of Mr. Black is to punish those who do just that." (Mr. Black is a ficticeous character created by J. Vote, commonly known as Rorschach's Blot, as an alter-ego for Harry Potter, in his story 'Make a Wish', which comes highly recomanded. -mo)

To which I answered:

Off the top of my head: Draco in Let's do the time wrap again. Draco in... as a matter of fact, come top think about it, Draco Malfoy in  
countless stories and omakes posted in this group, especially by its host.

Ron, too, in a number of stories.

And Snape is hardly an innocent. In fact, as a kid, he was more or less a refined version of Draco, minus the money and status induced pompousness. And he is the same Snape he is in Thief.

And even were he innocent, which he never was, he wasn;t tortured, he was pranked. That's all right, in JKR's world, isn't it? A brilliant thing to do, not to mention, very profitable, what if the Weasley twins are rolling in the galleons with all the competition the get from Gamble and Jobs as well as Zonko's.

And face it, this group stives on comedy, and slapstick and angst have a place of honour here.

And finaly, the point of Mr. Black is to have a vacation.

-mo

SlickRBD had this to add: "That attitude explains why the victim is usually punished more when they retaliate against their tormentors. Children love to pick an innocient victim and torment him. I never understood how they get away with it, but the victim always seems to be the only one punished when he lashes out at his tormentors by the adults.

"What I never understood is why the adults are willing to believe that "it's just kids being kids" when somebody like Harry is being beaten up by the gang, but if Harry later corners say Piers alone and gives him a black eye in retaliation, the adults would jump all over Harry and "consequence" his "unacceptable" behavior. Especially if he goes after each one individually for revenge."

BlueDiamond77777 wrote: 

Hmmm. well sarcastic Harry loved it so much when his Aunt shaved HIS head now didn't he? And We ALL thought that was alright.

Look say what you will, but personally, I though James Potter deserved some time in juvie and I considered Sirius' imprisonment a trade off for his attempted homicide. Have you ever been tortured by other kids and been told to ignore it, it's just kids being kids? That's the exact justification that people used to not interfere when Duddly and his gang went nuts kicking the shit out of Harry.

There is no reason to write what is nothing more then a story torturing an innocent to get your rocks off. To be completely honest I sneer when the parts of thief torturing Draco come up. Being a jerk is not an excuse for others to physically and psychologically harm you. And James Potter is a bully nothing more, he does not deserve to have a story dedicated to him torturing another kid for his own sadistic pleasure.

-Yoru Hana

Reply:

My point exactly.

James Potter was a bully of sorts, Snape and Draco are bullies, Dudley Dursly is a bully, even Ron Weasley is a bully. And the Weasley twins, don't start me on them. Their bad enough in canon, but some of the things fanon have them doing - well, talking about, how'd you put it? "juvie"? (which I take it means a detention center for underage teens?)

So like I said, I was keeping the characters in character, while getting a laugh on Snape's expanse. And turning his hair green or neon pink, or just turning him bald isn't anything that wasn't done a thousand times before - I didn't really care much about the details of the prank, only the fact he was, indeed, pranked - just  
leave it to the readers imagination what he would be through in his time in James Potter's home.

The idea is actually to show Snape as a victim.

And yes, I do maintain that since this site (edit: Rorsch's discussion group, but it's true for fanfiction. net just teh same... -mo) is full of Malfoy/Snape/Dumbledore/Weasley bashing and torture stories, people around here probably like it. Don't know what got you all fired up now.

-mo

So BlueDiamond77777 explained: "It pissed me off because I WAS that kid growing up that was tormented and no one did anything about it. I want even molested (one of the boys on the playground grabbed my ass and made a lewd comment) in 4th grade and I was told it was just boys being boys. One time I was even punched so hard in the face my glasses were knocked clean off and I was knocked out in 6th grade by a friend of the first boy. I woke up in the nurses office. His punishment? He was sent home for the day. That's all. My parents weren't even notified. So yes, it strikes too close to home and pisses me off." -Alyssa

To which I just had to say: 

If you're so pissed off about that, what are you doing reading Harry Potter in the first place?

I mean, that story is basickly - "evil prevail, bad guys are cool, torment is fun, deal with it!"

Back when James Potter was the bullying git that he was, he was the coolest kid in school. Then he fell for the goody-two-shoes mudblood, tried to reform, made a stand against evil - and shortly afterwards he was dead. And his former beast friend caused itm turning on him and finding himself new evil bullying gits for friends.

Snape was ever the bully, the tormentor, and in Hogwarts he has the run of things and the free hand to be as vicious and malevolent as he wishes and torment whoever he wants - especially if they are wearing red and gold.

Draco Malfoy was always an utter bastard, and was never punished for it - not once! The one time he did get in trouble was in his first year, with that dragon incident, and he still got off relatively easy in comparision with the Gryffindor kids - and was hailed a hero in his own house for getting the Gryffindors to lose so many points.

Harry Potter, on the other had, always DID get punished, for his GOOD deeds, JKR wanting to teach her readers a lesson - that no good deed goes unpunished. The one time he actually did something 'bad' or 'naughty', when he sneaked out of school to Hogsmead in his 3rd year, when he shouldn't have and wasn't allowed to, he got a short scare from Snape, but in the end, he got away with it, with no punishment.

Lucius Malfoy, man was single handadly responsible for most of the things gone bad in Wizarding Britain, used Unforgivables right and left, killed, murdered, maimed, tried to ressurect Voldemort, and his was the most vicoues plan to do so, calling for a human sacrifice, an inherent part of the plan (unlike Quirrll's plan, that would eventualy kill the Flamels from old age, but it wasn't part of the ressurection, or Pettigrew's plan, that had Harry dueling Voldemort and dieing at his hand in a demonstrative duel for the entertainment of the Death Eaters, but again, it wasn't part of the ressurection itself. Malfoy's plan actually called for someone to die for it to work.) And he picked an innocent eleven years old kid to be the sacrifice - out of spite. And he wasn't pubnished either, he always comes out on top.

Fudge, a close second to Malfoy. True, he was eventually kicked out of office, but not for his crimes, no, he was kicked out for being stupid. And despite being credantialy stupid, he was immediately landed with a job as a consultant for the new minister. Smart move.

Dolores Umbridge. Should I spare any words to describe her viceousness? I don't think that's neccessary. Was she ever punished for anything she did? I somehow doubt it.

All the deat eaters - how many of them were really punished at any point?

And then, those who fought against them - how many of them suffered greatly, sacrificing everything, down to their very lives?

Never in canon Harry Potter are bad people facing the consequences of their actions.

The only place where they do, sometimes, is fan fiction.

Now, the torment of Draco - sometimes he is tormented by design, that is, by human design, and I have to argue with you - he does deserve it, tasting his own bitter medicine. In other cases, he is just tormented by providence or something, some sort of a karma thing - he's an utter bastard, he suffers, we laugh.

Throwing a cake at somebody's face is funny, I'm afraid I must tell you.

Same thing goes for Snape.

As for being 'molested' by a nine year old - I don't think he was old enough to even consider anything sexual, so in fact it was just boys being boys. That's not neccessarily a nice thing, certainly not a good thing, but hardly a sexual assult.

And yes, boys do punch each other often, and that, too, is boys being boys. Now, we didn't have girls in our class, but in primary school at least we had girls in the same school, and in the play ground, but I don't recall boys and girls intermingling at all, let alone violently so.. Boys punching other boys, on the other hand? That happened often enough. Especially the older kids beating us little ones. Nobody was ever punished, of course.

On the oher hand, when I asked the school librarian what "fuck you" means...

-mo

BlueDiamond77777 replied: "Trust me, when the boy grabs your rear and makes a comment like "nice ass sweety" even if he's just mimicking an older boy or his parents he should be punished."

Reply: Didn't say he shouldn't be punished, just that he mosdt likely didn't know enough to intentionaly molest you.

BlueDiamond77777 wrote: "And the punching wasn't on the playground, it was in the school hall, he was in the same grade, these weren't the only violent or even non-violent things he and his gang did to me or even others and I'm a girl. He KNOCKED ME UNCONIOUS tdo you even know the kind of force needed to do that?"

Reply: Well, I fainted at loss of blood a few times, and I thonk also once when I fell a few meters in the play ground and hit my head, but I'm not sure how strong such a blow should be, but it doesn't matter - any blow is wrong in the first place.

But that's exactly it - booys would be bloys, and thus, it is up to the adults to show them right from wrong.

Apparently, he was punished, even if not severly - when I was a kid we would get sent away home for the day for less then that, but then again, it's widely known that the educational system in the States is fucked up, and that it is spreading...

We had stricter disciplin when I was a kid. We also marched with red flags on the first of May...

BlueDiamond77777 wrote: "And you saying boys will be boys is the exact same thing people did about Duddly's gang."

Reply: No it is not, people never actually said that - they all thought, thanks to the Dursleys, that Dudley didn't even do anything to begin with, it was always blamed on Harry. They couldn't say "boys will be boys" on Dudley's misdeeds simply bcause they weren't aware of them.

BlueDiamond77777 wrote: "By the way, I talked to the mom of the one who punched me recently at the store she works. Apparently no one EVER told him it was wrong for 'boys to be boys'. He's in prison."

Reply: There you go - eventually, he was punished. Which is more then one could say about the villains in JKR's stories.

Joey GB replied: "Normally I would stay silent on these issues, but this certainly deserves a reply. One of my most hated characters in HP has to be Dumbledork. To say that he was eventually punished and that's good enough begs the question, how many innocents had to suffer before he was? How many would have been spared the torment if he had been "punished" sooner? The biggest criminal in the books in my mind has to be Dumbledork - in my mind he is accessory to every crime commited under his care."

Reply: Hear, hear! IF Dumbledore wouldn't have adopted a policy of hands on, and actually punish the evil-minded students for their misdeeds, they might have learned that actions have consequences, and don't do them anymore, instead becoming normulative and contributing members of society. Certainly, if nothing else, their victims would have been spared. Instead, they were never punished and, in fact their victims were often punished for standing up agains them, or simply suffered whatever they dealt them if they haven't (stood up against them, that is.) So the only thing they learned was that crime, in the end, does pay, along with the jungle rule of dog eat dog, the srongest rules, ask not what you can do but what you can get away with, survial of the fittest and all that. No wonder they all went on to become criminals and terrorists, and no wonder the rest of society crumbled before them so easily - they've been conditioned, since young age, to crumble, learned, probably the har way, that resistance is futile.

BlueDiamond77777 wrote: "With Harry Potter I commiserated with Harry. Why do you think I disliked the 5th book and on? Because those in the wrong were not being punished, showed no signs of being punished and were in fact multiplying and getting more vicious. Also the writing sucked but that goes with out saying. And there's a difference between a cake and a 2X4 " -Yoru Hana

BlueDiamond77777 wrote to ask: "Are you saying the teachers never noticed the bruises and the under nourished look Harry had? The difference in body mass with his cousin? The way Duddly and is gang would behave in the playground?

"And what about the neighbors? Are you saying they never noticed Harry being chased by Duddly and his gang and being beaten up? And there was being beaten up, or are you saying that 'Harry Hunting' was only chasing him around. In which case, why run? Or be so terrified he spontaneously apperated? Also another thing, what makes you think people believed a word the Durstly's said? What makes you think they were any more paragons of virtue then their spawn? They just didn't want to get involved." -Yoru Hana

Reply:

1. The bruises: Covered by clothe. Whenever something looked bad, Harry would probably stay at home, too. And those bruises that couldn't be hidded, were probably explained as "accidents", "the boy being clumsy", and so on. It is, after all, the same boy that for no good reason climbs on the school roofs, remember? So That story is likely to be believed. And remember, also, that while today professionals are taught to notice such signs of abuse, to see through the lies - to some degree - back then things were slightly different.

2. The under nourished look: Which was probably explaines by genetics, Dudly taking after his beefy father, while Harry, a relation on Petunia's side, looks much more like she does - all thin and skinny - minus the horse face, perhaps.

3. The difference in body mass with Dudley: Once again, genetics. And many parents to little children will tell you it is a constant struggle to make their kids eat. I see young parent all the time constantly worrying about their young children not eating enough. So it, too, could be blamed on Harry, not the Dursleys, if they were so inclined to explain it, and there was no reason for anyone to doubt them. They told everyone the kid was rebellious in everything, how much trouble he was - that would just be attributed to yet another form of rebellion and stuburness on the kid's part.

4. The way Duddly and is gang would behave: I do believe they were clever enough to hide from the teachers and only do when they weren't looking - like Slytherins in a Quidditch match, who try to faul only when Madam Hooch is not watching, or in Hogwarts' corridors, trying to hex when McGonagal is not watching.

5. The neighbors knowing what happens near them: Yes, I am saying they never noticed Harry being chased by Duddly and his gang and being beaten up. There could be a chace down my street and I wouldn't know about it unless someone told me about it afterwards.

Then again, I'm not a middle-aged nosy house-wife with a flare for gossip, so I wouldn't know.

6. No, I am not saying.that 'Harry Hunting' was only chasing him around. What I'm saying, once again, is that nobody saw anything.

And, don't forget, if somebody _did_ see something, there was always Albus Dumbledore, and possibly the Order of the Phoenix, to oblivate anyone giving them too much trouble.

But that is no longer canon, just fanon, logical conclusion as it may be.

7. About people believing a word the Durstly's said: If I remember correctly, canon actually says people believed the Dursley's lies and simphatised with their great effort and sacrifice taking their miscreant of a nephew in.

8. I don't think the Dursleys were any more paragons of virtue then their spawn. But the people of Privet Drive sure did. Again, canon says so. And fanon elaborates. And they are good at hiding, we already maintained that. Both Dursleys are respectable mambers of the community, as far as the other members know and are concerned.

9. On the other hand, canon has nothing to say about the neighbors not wishing to get involved. That is naught but mere speculation on your part.

-mo

speedy-86 wrote: I was picked on a lot (most of everyone in my class), though not excessively. And I have to say that I never liked the way Harry was treated. I didn't realize at the time of first reading books 1-4 (I was 13/14 at the time) but I could relate to Harry at least a small bit, having had very loving parents was helpful in that regard.

About the neighbors not wishing to get involved...we are talking about Britain, where (as far as my meager information tells me, and I never have been there) the problems of others are just that, the problem of others and not for one to get involved in. Imagine the neighbors in Privet Drive found out who from their street told Child Protective Service (or whatever it is called) about the problems in the Dursley family. I could very well imagine them being chased/bullied out of town for smearing the name of perfectly respectable Privet Drive.

If I got that all wrong...I don't want to insult anyone so correct me.

Reply: From what I read in the canon books, it seemed to me the Dursleys worked extra hard to maintain their facade of a perfectly normal and upstanding family, whereas Harry always got into trouble, so as far as the people (at least the adult ones) in Privet Drive and in Little Whinging in general are aware, there is nothing for them not to wish to get involved in.

The kids are another story, Dudly bullies them all and scares them away from Harry, they sure don't wish to get involved. The thing is, in JKR's stories, nobody counts the children, they ignore them like they ignore ants on the streetwalk.

-mo

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**More review replies:**

Allen F Ross wrote: "And of course the moment the parents open the door or Severus leaves the room, everything is back the way its supposed to be. So no one believes Severus. They just think it's post traumatic stress disorder from the abuse he received from his birth father. ... -Karelon

Reply: Good one.

But better yet, just have a glamour in place on him, so no one else would realized what happened, and have him punished for being so rude and constantly scratch his balls - company regardless.

Reminds me of a kid who went to highschool with me. He was really annoying, and had bad habits, (not to mention the most horrible farts), and at one point, no one wanted to sit with him, and the teacher was quite put off with him anyway, so they gave him a table for himself and seated him behind the teacher. Now, it took the teacher a couple of days to notice that nobody is looking at him - everyone was staring at that kid. so he looks around, doesn't see anything out of order, and goes back to lecturing. Only nobody's listening, we're all looking at the boy and snigering. You see, under the table, the kid was playing with himself - constantly! hours on! and of course, it being a school table, unlike the teachers' desk, having no front - and having been placed opposite the entire class, not having any kids sitting in front of him to cover what he was doing, we just set there and watched. Suffice to say, when the teacher finaly saw it himself, he wasn't pleased...

-mo


	21. The Being John Malkovich ripoff

**The Being John Malkovich ripoff**

An all new_** Bash!**_ installment

By **stealacandy** and friends

**Disclaimer:** It's not my... not my, not my, not my, not my, not my, not my, not my, not my, it's.. not, not my imnagination, not my imagination, not my imagionation, not my...

Not my characters either. Actually, it was my imagination, come to think about it. That or a pestering mosqueeto bite, anyway,

(P.S. yes, I know fanfiction. net has a policy against posting song lyrics, but really, three words, you can hardly claim intelectual property of that, especially if you claim it's not your imagination.)

**A/N:** Sergey Tsvetkov sufggested a scene in whch a time-traveling spirit of Harry Potter suddenly inhabits the physical body of Dolores Umbridge.

He wrote the following:

**A Time Traveling Harry Potter Tail** (Would have said "tale", but it's rather short. More like that thing stuck behind bunnies. What was it? a tail? Oh, no, it a plot! A plot Bunny! Yay! P.S. I'm a little high on drugs right now. The perscription kind that is, if anyone wonders... got a cold since Thursday, I forgot to turn my boiler on and had a chilling shwer in the middle of a cold storm. Not the greatest combination, let me tell you.)

By **Sergey Tsvetov**

The class was quiet as it entered the room; Professor Umbridge was, as yet, an unknown quantity and nobody knew how strict a disciplinarian she was likely to be.

"Well, is Voldemort a wanker?" she said, when finally the whole class had sat down.

The class has gasped and stared at her in shocked silence.

"Tut, tut," said Professor Umbridge. "That won't do, now, will it? I should like you, please, to reply 'Voldemort is a wanker, Professor Umbridge!'. One more time, please. Class, is Vodemort a wanker?"

"Voldemort is a wanker, Professor Umbridge," two people chanted back at her. Harry's voice had a bit of delight in it while Hermione's was trembling - she obviously was too shocked, but it was Professor's request so she answered dutifully.

"Pitiful," said Professor Umbridge with disdain, "Two points from everyone for not greeting Professor properly. Except Ms Granger and Mr Potter of course. They're getting twenty points for Griffindor."

"Sorry, Porfessor! Voldemort is a wanker, Professor Umbridge!" Ron had come to his senses and did not want to loose a chance to get some point without doing anything at all.

Professor Umbridge sighed. "Five points for Griffindor. Now, quills and books away, wand out, please! Oh, and ten more points to Griffindor, Ms Granger, for reading the whole book in advance."

The moans were heard from the Slytherin's desks.

xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx

Liking the idea, I continued it:

**The Being John Malkovich ripoff**

An all new_** Bash!**_ installment

By **stealacandy** and friends

"Ah, Lucius, so good to see you!" Madam Umbridge greeted him warmly.

"Yes, yes, Dolores, what seems to be the problem, though?" he asked, irrately.

"Well, see, Lucius, your son simply refuses to comly with the assignment I give him at class, and nothing I say changes that!" she complained.

"What is it that you asked your class to do, Dolores? Just the other week you wrote to tell me how helpfull Draco is?" Lucius asked the DADA professor.

"Well, I asked the class to say Voldemort is a wanker, but young draco refuses to aknowledge that!" she explained.

"You.." Lucius paused. "You asked... you asked you students to say the Dark Lord is a wanker?" he asked, testig to see if he heard her right.

"Oh, no," axclaimed Umbridge, and Lucius let out his breath. Untill - "Well, he's a wanker too, the Dork Lord, but I was rather speaking about that nasty little half-breed mudblood, Voldemort," Umbridge explained.

"I... see," said Lucius.

And that was that. Draco landed himself in multiple detentions, after which the words "Lord Voldemort is a wanker" were permanently etched upon his hand - permanently, that is, untill the first time said dark lord saw them there. After that, the words stayed with the hand, but the hand didn't stay with Draco. And Dolores Umbridge found a horrible death, saving the general populace of Hogwarts students from greater horrours to come.

and Harry was, once again, free to roam. Untill he felt that pul again.

Boy, and he used to think portkeys were bad!

Coming soon:

When Harry met Sally-Ann Perks.

When Dobby met Winky.

Nymphadora, what have you done?

The Big Brother: The French Half-Veela and the Magical Villa: Help me, I'm a Celebrity!

Do dementors dream of black sheep 2.

Do the Dumbledore brothers dream of black sheep as well?

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the greatest Basslisk glare effect of them all?

The day the Universe stopped: Severus Snape prooving once and for all he's not gay... five times in a row!

Hot Pickle: a tale of love in the potions lab.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch.

Revenge of the Lime-Green Bowler Hat.

Hot Pickle 2: Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers: An end of Year of the Rat special. Or the day Severus Snape prooved, once and for all, he is gay after all.

Blond, Sneering, perfectly manicured, with emerald eyes. (a.k.a. How Narcissa Malfoy got her first orgasm.)

The Stapeler.

A movie starring Rob Schneider.

Anothe movie starring Rob Schneider.

...

A dozen other movies starring Rob Schneider.

The Hot Chick.

Another movie starring Rob Schneider. And Mel Gibson.

And finally, only to stay with the John Malkovich theme: Albus Wulfroc Brian Percival Dumbledore: The Puppeteer!

-mo


End file.
